What do you think when you hear “you are not listening to me”?
Usually, my immediate reaction is “I am listening to you” and I repeat the one or two things I remember from the conversation while waiting for my interlocutor’s response.
Does repeating it back make them feel listened to? Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. But the cause may be more than listening and more in not understanding. That’s when active listening comes in.
With all the communication tools we have today and the level of information we are exposed to, maintaining our attention is a big challenge.
And when it comes to sales, it’s not that different. Active listening is a great skill to practice to gain the trust of our potential customers and create better relationships that win repeatable business.
What is Active Listening?
Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to respond, understand, and remember what is being said.
It is a method that helps people feel comfortable when they speak with us. It turns “hearing” into “listening and understanding.” It helps us uncover the motives behind the words we listen to.
Let’s look at the pillars of this technique and some exercises that will help us get better at it.
The Components of Active Listening
Attention: Give your undivided attention to the speaker, putting aside distracting thoughts and focusing on the speaker’s words and body language.
Acknowledgement: Show that you are listening through nods, smiles, and verbal affirmations like “I see” or “Go on.”
Empathy: Putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes to genuinely understand their perspective and feelings.
Clarification: Ask questions to ensure understanding, and paraphrase the speaker’s words to confirm or clarify.
Reflection: Reflect on the feelings and emotions you detected in the speaker’s message to show that you’ve understood not only the content but also the emotions behind it.
Benefits of Active Listening
Active listening can have profound benefits for both personal and professional relationships:
Builds trust and rapport: People feel valued and respected when listened to, fostering a deeper connection and trust.
Reduces misunderstandings: Active listening can prevent miscommunications that often lead to conflicts by ensuring clear understanding.
Strengthens leadership: Leaders who listen actively are better equipped to understand their team’s needs and motivations, leading to a more positive and productive work environment.
How to Practice Active Listening
Improving your active listening skills requires intention and practice. Here are some practical tips:
Minimise Distractions: Turn away anything distracting from the conversation and maintain eye contact.
Let them finish and respond: Allow the people you are talking to finish their thoughts without interrupting, and then take a few seconds before you reply.
Reflect and clarify: Paraphrase what was said to ensure your understanding and ask clarifying questions. One effective way to do this is by saying, “if I understand, you are telling me…”
Respond Appropriately: Once you understand the speaker, respond in a way that advances the conversation and shows respect for their perspective. This is why we take a few seconds before jumping into a response.
Start with this exercise
Next time you are having a conversation with a colleague or a family member, try paraphrasing what they told you and ask if that’s what they are telling you.
It will not only help you see which part you got right and what you missed but also uncover new information about the first message you received.
Want more? Good reads about Active Listening
“Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone” by Mark Goulston.
This book is written by a psychiatrist and business consultant who provides insights into what makes people listen and how to turn even the most difficult conversations into productive ones.
“The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships” by Michael P. Nichols.
The author provides practical advice for becoming a better listener, including how to show empathy, interpret nonverbal cues, and respond in ways that encourage further dialogue.
“You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters” by Kate Murphy.
Drawing from interviews with psychologists, CIA agents, and bartenders, the book is a compelling argument for the importance of listening and offers insights on reclaiming this crucial skill.
